The Lovely Bones

Exhuming the Industry: The Lovely Bones

Caughson McSellig, Revuer of Film


I’m not usually one to review porno movies. It’s embarrassing to admit to watching that sort of thing, even when you’re admitting it to the tens of people who accidentally stumble across this website every other day looking for pornos, only to be subject to these trite and uneducated lambastations of the modern film industry. I'm reviewing a porno today because I was "asked" to by my "boss" (whom I call Sammy the Tickler but who you know as Edger Svenson, the lesser of the Svenson twins, founder of this cap movie review repository which publishes things just

barely worthy of publication on the internet and, as of this day, a suspected closet pervert what gets his jollies from having me review pornos). I'd refuse, but I lost my self-respect when I stepped on the only landmine ever installed in the state of Kansas and I need that five dollars he's offered me. I need it in ways you all at home would be worse off knowing and so I'll leave it right there for your own sake.


But let's get down to brass tax, as they say. What to say about The Lovely Bones? Well, it wasn't the worst porno I've ever seen, and believe me I've seen them all. Hell, I've been arrested 15 times on porno-watching related charges and that accounts for only 2% of the times I should have been arrested on porno-watching related charges. I've had an opportunity to observe every possible permutation of consenting-adult-human sexual encounter possible, and while the The Lovely Bones didn't lower itself to anyone getting pooped on on their birthday or farting on someone's wedding cake, at no point watching it would I have been surprised if it had. Admittedly and my reservations confessing this hobby notwithstanding, I do enjoy these films. I've developed an affinity for the well-done porno. I am an American male with access to the internet, such was my destiny. So, when I sat down to watch The Lovely Bones, my expectations were high (at least the name seemed to retain some kind of self respect) but these expectations were not met.

The Lovely Bones stars Ms. Bridgit Strokes as Jasmin Chambers, a freshman at Olivia Rangle Grilles University. Jasmin's innocence vanishes like a fart in the wind when she gets set up in a dorm room with a king size bed and a community shower, and in a dorm house occupied by her roommates, the street-wise and nubile sisters Betheny and Cailiegh Landsdale (Betheny Landsdale plays herself, while Cailiegh is brought to us by Jaymie Longrod), and the O.R.G. U. lacrosse team.

Jasmin gets to O.R.G. U. with a problem: she's not sure how she's gonna cover her expenses and tuition because her father, Stockley Chambers (played by Wilde Oscar), lost his car repair business because he spent all his time boneing his customers instead of ever collecting any

money from them or even fixing their cars. He thereby caused the ruination of his family and finances and brought down upon himself an investigation for tax evasion by the IRS,which his wife, Veronica Chambers (played by Stephanie Bangs) boned him out of. This is, of course, all covered in the eighth and tenth installments of the venerable Thunderlube Chronicles, Thunderlube Four: The Bones of August and the seminole Race to Witch Mountain. (As a side note for the fanboys, The Lovely Bones, according to director Hadlee Gaines, is part of the Thunderlube cannon but it is not a part of the Thunderlude Chronicles themselves. Instead, he says, "consider it an ex-positional pseudo-postquel.")

On their first night at school, Jasmin, still "innocent", confesses to the Landsale Sisters that she can't pay for tuition. They devise a plan to come up with a book called The Lovely Bones in which they would write as a catalogue of all the boneing they did on their way up the school administration to get Jasmin a scholarship. But first they need to practice, so they go the showers and, well, half the state of Idaho just gets in line. Long story short, the girls end up boneing their way to the dean who agrees to give all three of the girls a scholarship (apparently the school is lousy with money for boning and lacross scholarships). But the real payoff comes when the book, The Lovely Bones, becomes a smash hit, they end up on Oprah and, whaddaya know, the girls like boneing so much they end up going pro. Typically, when a porno breaches the fourth wall it's a cause for joy and celebration, but in this case Gaines' metaphysical plot manipulation is so predictable that falls flat on its face.

But let's get back to that brass tax (incidentally Brass Tax is also the name of Gaines' upcoming) since I know all you Edgar Svensons really want to know about is whether the bones were actually as lovely as the title claims them to be. I can't speak for everyone, that would be creepy, especially in this context. As Winston Churchill once said: "Different strokes for different folks." Nowhere is this more true than for the porno flick, so I'm not gonna come to any conclusions on your behalf, I'll just characterize things for you.

If you like your pornos with plot holes bigger than . . . well . . . with really big plot holes, then The Lovely Bones is for you. For example, in one scene the Landsdale Sisters are boneing the star player for the O.R.G. U. lacrosse team in the middle of the state championships. On top of that the team is distracted by the Sisters' boneing on the sidelines such that they're losing at
the half. Jasmin makes up for it by boneing the referee on the other team's sidelines. The O.R.G. U. team ends up making a comeback to win the championships (which they proceed to celebrate with some more boneing). The plot holes are obvious. First, where did the horse come from? Two, there's gonna be more than one referee at the game. Three, a referee isn't just going to bone some random chick in the middle of a game, especially on an innocent horse with all those people watching, and four, even if the referee were waylaid by some easy woman, the loss of the referee could benefit either team. If she wanted to really help the O.R.G. U. team she would have boned the other team's star player or, hell, the entire team at once.

If you like your pornos with shoddy special effects, then The Lovely Bones is for you. If all you need from your pornos is metaphysical plot twists in which the porn star actresses end up becoming porno stars in the movie then hell, lube up! But if you like a believable story about normal people in conceivable situations being blessed with the opportunity to participate in a lovely bone, then The Lovely Bones is not for you. The Lovely Bones typifies a trend I call the demise of the thinking man's porno. Gone are the days when you could sit down and see a porno that dealt with the human drama of boneing, which touched on such human themes as applying for a job or getting your cable fixed, or which said something original about relations between the sexes in post-Soviet America and in a world without God.

But my suspicions are that the Edger Svensons' of the world aren't going to lose any sleep over that. In fact, his interest is about as piqued as one's interest can be at this point. In fact, I'm sure he left us when I started talking about the horse and is currently feverishly fast-forwarding through this poor porno so fast he'll set a record. As such, I'm going to sign off and spend that hard earned five dollars as well as I know how. Until next time, this is Caughsin McSellig, urging you to get a job.

This film is awarded 2 and a half thumbs up out of 5.

The Great Escape

More like The Lame Escape

This reviewer is doing you, the reader, a great service. This reviewer is going to save you $12.00. This reviewer is going to s*#t all over the upcoming family comedy, The Great Escape.

For starters, the initial set-up is pure traif. A poorly maneuvered helicopter shot opens the movie, slowly (and I do mean slowly) zooming in on Kocker & Sons Crayon Factory. We are soon introduced to two bungling morons, Jim and John Kocker, twin heirs to the factory fortune. As is painfully predictable, Kocker Senior kicks the bucket, drifting off into presumable purgatory, but not before delivering a drawn-out, incredibly laborious monologue concerning the future of Kocker & Sons (annoyingly whispered by the ever-disappointing Alan Alda). Alda wants the twins to be happy, to pursue their ultimate dreams of being artists, but also to know that closing the factory would put the town in grave danger of running out of crayons. A tricky dilemma if ever there was one.

Without ruining the plot (hard to do, as there is little plot to speak of), much of what happens over the next excruciating 30 minutes is silly hijinks, ridiculous physical shtick, and the kind of mistaken-identity only Mr. Magoo could justify. And I have yet to mention the songs! Lyricist and composer Paul Schaeffer truly delivers disgusting drivel. With such songs as “In the Red” and “Kocker Mouth” (a tune discussing the childish and confusing code-word language the twins use with one another), it’s no wonder not a single toe is tapping. Well, at least not with musicality, but rather with impatience.

Viewers may be expecting salvation from the two lead characters, Jim and John Kocker, performed with blind exuberance by The Office’s John Krasinski and Seinfeld’s Jason Alexander, respectively. Alas, the viewer will be gravely disappointed. Krasinski is a doofus, tripping over his own feet and barely able to keep a straight face—which is odd, considering what he’s working with. Alexander, in turn, is just disgusting. No other words are applicable.

All in all, the film (it’s painful to even call it a film) leaves the audience wondering, “Why did I come here? Why did they make this?” Not good questions to be asking. True, writer/director John Cleese can be credited with putting forth a noble effort. Props for the title. It is the only facet that makes sense. In the film, the twins are faced with tough choices—maintain peace in the town or provoke chaos? Live in a world with crayons for all or live in a world without crayons for all? Keep the factory alive and thriving or shut it down? As expected, the choice is made for them. A third party miraculously arrives in town, harboring a lifelong dream to own a crayon factory. The twins are thus granted a path to fulfill their dreams, escaping the past that kept them mired in sadness.

As for the audience, the title takes on a much more personal feel. Exiting the theater through the back door while Peabo Bryson sings the pop-version of the song “Kockers on the Loose” is a wonderful feeling—there is truly no greater escape.

This film gets negative 5 thumbs up out of 5.

The Constant Gardner

I want to constantly view this film!

Marcus Borncaller


According to Wikipedia, “Film encompasses individual motion pictures, the field of film as an art form, and the motion picture industry. Films are produced by recording images from the world with cameras, or by creating images using animation techniques or special effects.” I suggest we get rid of that tripe and replace it with the words The Constant Gardner. THAT IS FILM. This masterpiece needs little introduction after grossing $230 million worldwide with legendary film maker Roger Christian at the helm.

The film opens set in the 1940’s in rural Alabama. We are immediately introduced to a dying Tessa Quayle, (Gwenth Paltrow) in the arms of her loving yet flawed husband Justin Quayle (Russell Crowe). More on him later. With no explanation, Tessa is dead and Justin is forced to raise his 4 young boys on his own. To make matters worse, Justin has lost his job as assistant to the Alabama postmaster general due to the Great Mail Shortage of 1944. The cause of this great shortage has still remained a mystery to this day. But that is neither here nor there.

Anyway, in brilliant Roger Christian fashion, Justin stumbles upon his great grandfather’s book of gardening in the attic while moving Tessa’s personal belongings up there due to the fact that the sight of these things causes much too much “Russell Crowe” emotion (As I love to refer to it). Without giving too much away about this scene, if you don’t run out of Kleenex here, you are not human.

Moving right along, Justin decides to take up gardening to make a living for his family. This is followed by 3 or so heartrending yet restrained montages regarding his advancement in his new found career. All set to a soundtrack by Randy Newman with masterpieces including ‘Am I right?’, ‘Short people got no reason to live’ and ‘Little Criminals’. I was so moved, I sat in my chair frozen like I just had a blind date with Medusa.

Like any brilliant story, fortune and success soon turned to disaster and remorse. Justin became so obsessed with his craft he soon began to lose sight of why he set out to do this in the first place. His boys were growing more and more distant, getting into all sorts of trouble with the law and a paranoid obsessive compulsive schizophrenic Crowe was forever corrupted by the evils of gardening. I won’t ruin the ending, but it makes the Superman ride at Six Flags Great Adventure look like a merry-go-round.

Everything about the production is top notch from the lighting to the camera work. At one point in one of the montages, Justin looks up in the sky while gardening and sees his deceased wife in the clouds. Beautiful or just plain genius? We may never know.

I just can not say enough about this film. Move over Frankie-Ford, Roger Christian is the new King of Town. And that town is my heart, population: me.

I give this Film 4 and a half thumbs up out of 5.

Saw IV

What Do We Saw IV? Bousman's Latest is Pleasing and Honest

Caughson McSellig, Revuer of Film

The home improvement film genre counts among it some of the greatest films of all time. It includes such greats as The Apartment, Rear Window, and The Thing. Though it will likely be received with some suspicion, the latest addition to this rich genre, Saw IV, directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, fresh from a two year stint ghost-writing Craigslist ads, is a worthy contribution and, in this reviewer's humble opinion, deserves a place in the canon right next to Bridge Over the River Kwai and Last House on the Left.

The story is a period piece taking place in the early to mid 1950s with the nation on the brink of McCartheyism and it centers around Langston Malory, who goes by Langie to his numerous friends and agents. Langie, played by the charming if somewhat irresponsible, Cassie Affleck, has amassed a limitless fortune as the greatest user of a saw in Chatham County, Georgia.

The film begins with a young Langie (Leon Ovitz) going with his father, Gerald (Vingh Raimes) to watch the great saw users of the 1930s. Langie, who wants nothing but to follow in their footsteps but his family is too poor to afford a saw. There is one scene in particular in which Ovitz treats us to a wonderful depiction of a young man, frustrated, confused, scared but at the same time hopeful as he enters a saw using contest with a saw fashioned from a stick and one of his abuse uncle's (Wilford Brimley) broken whiskey bottles. Langie's father eventually saves enough money to buy his son a saw with the meager wages he makes a candy shopkeeper, singing and selling candy to bewildered children at inflationary prices. Saw in hand, Langie joins the high school saw using team and his career takes off.

Fast forward fifteen years, to 1953 the height of the saw using movement, and Langie has made his fortune as the greatest user of a saw in the infamous Chatham County. Ensconced in his palatial estate (a fitting, but indelicately obvious homage to Gone With the Wind) surrounded by his beautiful but manipulative and impetuous wife, Laralie (the chick from The Devil Wears Prada) and as many as three children, a large number of cars and a seemingly endless collection of exotic animals, Langie appears to have it all. But still he can't help but saw all day, never satisfied with what everyone insists is his perfect saw using.

He is shocked out of his trance when his father comes to visit him on a unseasonably warm Halloween night. So excited is Gerald Malory at the sight of his son that he trips over his Green Latern costume, falling under Langie's saw. So tranced is Langie in perfecting saw using that he doesn't realize he's sawed his father entirely in half until it is too late.

After this tragedy (Langie manages to place blame for this horrific murder on his comically befuddled saw using assistant Siffle (Shia LeBouf) and thereby escape prison) his wife and children leave him in fear for their safety and Langie is forced to ask: what does he saw for, who does he saw for, and, most importantly, why does he saw for?

The second half of the film finds Langie on a quest for the true meaning not only of saw using, but life. Joining him on this journey are the famous saw user, believed to have been kidnapped by the Soviets and forced to saw things for their atomic bomb project, Garith McDowel (Peter O'Toole) and the inevitable love interest Lacie Fuller (Rachel McAdams). On this quest, Langie is forced to reclaim his title as Chatham County's greatest saw user from the grips of his rival, Chimminy Willerstone (Nicholas Cage) and fend off accusations by Chimminy that he is a Communist, accusations which eventually find Langie before the House Committee on Un-American Activities before which Langie makes an impassioned plea on behalf of free expression in the use of saws for the improvement of homes.

The film waffles between the profound and the redundant, without ever achieving equilibrium and quite often flirting with the absurd. Saw IV will undoubtedly take on messianic importance for the saw using community. Its treatment of the craft is loving and profound, thanks to the artful camera direction of ex-M16 agent Welks Norrington, and is reason alone to see this film. In particular, the scenes of Langie sawing after the death of his father brought to this reviewer a meaning to saw using which can only have been wrought from years of study and hands-on saw using.

As for the rest of us; be on guard for the condescending and vain, though the human understanding and hope embodied in the film otherwise make it more than worthwhile viewing. Whether its Langie's exotic animals breaking him out of prison after his arrest by McCarthey's agents or O'Toole's rendering of an aging saw user in a world of less-old saw users, there are lessons for all viewers to take away and cherish. Not least among these is the lesson that no matter what tragedy befalls us, salvation can always be found in good honest saw competition and in dishonest alienation of friends, family, and pets.

This film receives two thumbs up out of five.